Stoicity, No thanks.

Many might think that recently I’m not proving to be my usual self- the cool one I promised to be. Believe me guys, just being what I’m being right now is already draining me out of all my energy. I’ve recently suffered a great loss. And what loss - just the realization that I had been holding on to something that never was mine.

I have tried finding alternatives, tried finding distraction. But they hardly engage me anymore. I try to find sanctuary but all I manage to get is refuge for a few restless hours. I have, yes, tried to indulge into material. But since I had already lost all lure for it, its just as unhelpful. What am I left with except a daunting reality and a miserable life?

All I ask for is stoicity. I wish I could bear the pain without complain. If course I’m doing that now but without being stoic in the real sense. I don’t know how much more longer I can hold on when I’m hanging on a thread held so high.

Stoicity- it has always intrigued me. Stoic people seem so otherworldly. But today I’m not afraid to be one of them. Feel nothing. Have no effect of anything, whatsoever. Neither delight, nor sorrow. No hurt, no pain. It is luring me right now. How easy would it be to be emotionless. Practical minded. Eager to reason everything out. Think in terms of profit and loss. No compromises, ever. Because I have no weakness, I cannot be moved, you see?

But am I ready to give up the happiness? Is no hurt a package deal with no happiness? Will I never be able to laugh to my heart’s content? Wont I, thinking of my profit, cause loss to someone else, hurt them? If I’m not moved, will I be a barrier in someone else’s life? Another like me? And force them to think along the same lines?

Sometimes I want it, but maybe I’m not ready for it. No, I cant pay the price of my smile in exchange of leaving behind the pain. If life is made this way, its made for a reason. If I’m never hurt, can I feel the relief of health? If I’m never crying, can I understand the significance of a smile? No

I’ll deal with the pain. I’ll deal with everyone. Ill keep my emotions in check, I’ll KEEP them all the same. I’m ready to take my fair share of pain. Anyway, if it never belonged to me, I’ll forget it and move on soon. I’ll survive. I’m not ready to give up yet. Give up my emotions entirely.

Stoicity, no thanks.