Plan of Destiny

I am trying to concede to the fact
Come at peace with it
Accept it
Subduing me complaints as much as possible
No matter how much it pains me
It wont happen
Because it isn't supposed to
It is not my plan to let it be
It's the plan of destiny
Maybe in a different time
In a different place
Before everything changed
But as for now
I wouldn't let fantasies cloud my sanity

We can never be friends
Just familiar strangers
Nothing else
I don't need more
I have accepted
The plan of destiny

Nervous Breakdowns....urgh!

Suddenly I feel crappy even though nothing really happened. I was literally quite happy a moment ago, joking, fooling around and making my best friend laugh. NOTHING at all happened and I start sulking. He got all worried and started enquiring if someone had said something to upset me. And I had absolutely no answer. Because nothing happened, anyway. I am the sort of person who preaches the teachings of His Awesomeness, Barney Stinson, “When I’m sad I stop being sad and start being awesome.” to every person I come across. And I follow it most of the times. For confirmation you may consult the friend I mentioned above.

Its just that, so many small, insignificant bad things happen. If looked at individually, I would laugh at the stupid prospect of someone being upset by things so minor. But this small stuff, sorta builds up. You might put it at the back of your mind, but the thing is, its still there.

Its like stuffing lots of liquid waste in a can, you can stuff it up to a limit before it bursts and that exactly is what I call BREAKING DOWN.

I’m scared to death by these emotional breakdowns because they make a person difficult to tolerate. They start talking non-sense, getting irritable and unbearable. Some start crying K (I HATE tears! It’s my weakness to give whatever a-person-with-a-tear-stained-face asks for just to get ‘em off my back. Tears- URGH!)

Annoying, they are. But you can’t live without them, really. Sometimes everyone needs to get the crap out of their heads. No one can, even the strongest person on earth, live without breaking down once in a while.

When this happens, and be assured it will even to you dear reader, all you would want is a friend to listen without offering solutions, because these problem are meant to be forgotten and not solved. You just need the reassuring sounds of “hmn” , “ohh” and “awwh” that too just to make sure that you have your friend’s attention. Once its out of your mouth, its out of your mind. You’re free again to be normal and cheerful and, well, you get the feel.

I don’t want to boast, but there’s no doubt that I have a pretty big CAN that can hold up stuff for longer periods of time. But umm(shit! I mean shot!), it makes a greater mess when it bursts!

Stoicity, No thanks.

Many might think that recently I’m not proving to be my usual self- the cool one I promised to be. Believe me guys, just being what I’m being right now is already draining me out of all my energy. I’ve recently suffered a great loss. And what loss - just the realization that I had been holding on to something that never was mine.

I have tried finding alternatives, tried finding distraction. But they hardly engage me anymore. I try to find sanctuary but all I manage to get is refuge for a few restless hours. I have, yes, tried to indulge into material. But since I had already lost all lure for it, its just as unhelpful. What am I left with except a daunting reality and a miserable life?

All I ask for is stoicity. I wish I could bear the pain without complain. If course I’m doing that now but without being stoic in the real sense. I don’t know how much more longer I can hold on when I’m hanging on a thread held so high.

Stoicity- it has always intrigued me. Stoic people seem so otherworldly. But today I’m not afraid to be one of them. Feel nothing. Have no effect of anything, whatsoever. Neither delight, nor sorrow. No hurt, no pain. It is luring me right now. How easy would it be to be emotionless. Practical minded. Eager to reason everything out. Think in terms of profit and loss. No compromises, ever. Because I have no weakness, I cannot be moved, you see?

But am I ready to give up the happiness? Is no hurt a package deal with no happiness? Will I never be able to laugh to my heart’s content? Wont I, thinking of my profit, cause loss to someone else, hurt them? If I’m not moved, will I be a barrier in someone else’s life? Another like me? And force them to think along the same lines?

Sometimes I want it, but maybe I’m not ready for it. No, I cant pay the price of my smile in exchange of leaving behind the pain. If life is made this way, its made for a reason. If I’m never hurt, can I feel the relief of health? If I’m never crying, can I understand the significance of a smile? No

I’ll deal with the pain. I’ll deal with everyone. Ill keep my emotions in check, I’ll KEEP them all the same. I’m ready to take my fair share of pain. Anyway, if it never belonged to me, I’ll forget it and move on soon. I’ll survive. I’m not ready to give up yet. Give up my emotions entirely.

Stoicity, no thanks.